i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
