just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
