Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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