i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
