Got a toothbrush?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
