Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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