Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
