Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
