Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
