oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
