he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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