I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
