There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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