let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
