tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
