I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
