my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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