So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
