i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
