his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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