i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
