I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
