I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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