he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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