this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
