matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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