mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
