$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
