she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
