Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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