someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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