moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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