so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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