i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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