Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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