i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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