sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
