So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
