If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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