He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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