the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
