I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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