So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
