I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
