you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
