Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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