last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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