I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
