my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
