woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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