I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
