My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
