Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
