Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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