dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
