I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
