So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
