Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
