when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
