can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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