Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
