she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
