dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just want nice things and good sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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