come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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