shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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